My name is Leah; and I have weak eyes. That’s all you ever
hear about me – that I have "weak eyes.” Even now that I am Jacob’s wife, I
am not the one who is beloved. I am the wife with “weak eyes.” If I sound
bitter, it’s because I am bitter! All
my life, I have taken second place to my little sister. I’m not the clever
daughter, the charming daughter, the daughter who is slim and nimble like a
gazelle. No, that one would be Rachel. She
is all those wonderful things; while I am stupid and clumsy and can’t make
decent conversation. All my life I have lived in her shadow. She
has always been the favored daughter. And now she is the favored wife, as well.
Do you know my story? Certainly you know the story of my
husband Jacob. You know how he came to my family to find a wife – and to get away
from his brother Esau. I’m not sure exactly what happened between them – Jacob
would never talk about it – but it must have been quite a disagreement. Once,
when my uncle Laban asked him about Esau, he averted his eyes and didn’t really
give an answer. He’s running away from something big, that’s for sure. When he
first appeared at the well where we water the sheep, I had hoped that he might
ask for me as his wife. After all, there are not too many men in our area who
are not members of our close family; and I certainly can’t marry one of them! A stranger appearing at the well,
especially a stranger who is from our extended family… I thought that one of
the gods had sent him to us! But of course, he asked for my sister Rachel
instead. For seven years he worked
for my father in order to marry Rachel. And never once did he give me even a
second glance.
Then came that awful day when Jacob was to marry my sister.
My father gave a huge wedding feast to celebrate the occasion. The men ate
until they could eat no more; and the wine flowed like a river during the rainy
season! Soon all the men were drunk – even Jacob, the groom. My father
encouraged all of them to drink their fill. When the time came for Jacob to
take Rachel to his tent, my father came to the women and said to my sister,
“Stay here. This is not yet your night.” Then he turned to me. “You will go
with Jacob,” he said harshly. “I will never be rid of you if I do not give
seize this opportunity. Jacob is so drunk that he will never know the difference.
I can give Rachel to half a dozen men, but you… I’m getting rid of you
tonight.”
As Jacob took me by the hand and staggered to his tent, all
my dreams turned to ashes. I had dreamed of marrying a man who would love me
and seek my companionship. I had dreamed of marrying a man who would cradle me
in his arms and speak tenderly to me. I had dreamed of marrying a man who
wouldn’t care that I was shy and clumsy, but who would love me in spite of it.
Now, those dreams were dead. I knew that Jacob didn’t love me, and that he
would be angry that my father had tricked him. Sure enough, when Jacob woke up
in the morning and realized that his bride was not his beloved Rachel, he was
angrier than any man I have ever seen. His shouting at my father could be heard
for miles. When their argument was finally settled, Jacob had bought my sister
Rachel for seven more years of labor; and I was just part of their bargain.
I’m sure that you have heard how disappointed Jacob was to
find that he had married me instead of my sister. You must have heard about it; he has told everyone he meets about the
underhanded trick that my father played on him. He talks about how his dream of
marrying Rachel after seven years was thwarted. He has told everyone how his
seven years of work turned into fourteen years, and how he had no choice if he
wanted to marry Rachel. But the fact is that Jacob married my sister just a
week after he married me. Oh, we celebrated that week of our marriage – if you
can call it a celebration. Jacob dutifully took me into his tent for that week.
He didn’t turn me out and send me back to my father. But I have always
suspected that he tolerated me because he was afraid of losing Rachel. The two
of us were a package deal – if he wanted Rachel, he had to take me, too. So at
least my marriage has been secure. And I have borne Jacob six fine sons and a
beautiful daughter, while Rachel has given him only one. My children certainly
bring me great joy! But when I hear Jacob talk about his disappointment, it’s
all I can do not to weep bitterly. Jacob was disappointed for – what – a week? After
that week with me, he married Rachel; and ever since that day, I have been
invisible to him. If he was disappointed, I have been disappointed much more
deeply. Jacob has a wife that he loves, and who loves him in return. I will
never have that. His dreams of a happy marriage may have been postponed, but
they were eventually fulfilled. My dreams of a happy marriage are gone forever.
We all have dreams, don’t we? We have dreams of what we hope
will happen to us and to our children. We have dreams of contentment and
fulfillment – even of happiness. And then, we are disappointed. What we dream
for and hope for and yearn for never happens at all. Oh, good things sometimes
happen – here and there. But so often, our dreams end in disappointment. And it
makes me wonder – where are the gods when our dreams turn to ashes? We
sacrifice and pray, day in and day out, and sometimes it seems like all those
prayers are useless! Don’t the gods care about us at all? I have overheard
Jacob talk about his god, the god who
accompanied him when he came to live with us. He says that this god cares about
the people he watches over. He claims that this god protects his people, and is
even able to bring joy out of disappointment. I have never heard of a god who
could do that. Maybe it is all just idle talk. Jacob worships his god and I
worship mine.
But – I had a dream last night that caused me to think again
about this god of Jacob’s. In the dream, I saw my son Judah holding a royal
scepter and a gold crown. He was standing next to one whose glory filled the
whole world, and his descendents were so many that they stretched out behind
him as far as I could see – a huge multitude of people! The glorious one spoke
to me, saying, “I am the Lord, the god of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Your
offspring will be like the dust of the earth, and all through your son Judah
all peoples of the earth will be blessed.” As I watched, a man came out of the
crowd of Judah’s descendents, took the scepter and crown from Judah’s hand, and
was seated on a throne. Then I heard a great choir of voices singing:
“Salvation belongs to our God, and to his Messiah! He will wipe away every
tear. Mourning and pain will pass away; and he will reign forever.”
Do you suppose that’s true? Will one of the descendents of
my Judah be a king – a king who can turn disappointments into joy and make
dreams come true? Will he really be a savior? If that is so, then I am content.
I will worship Jacob’s god, and I will trust that he is indeed watching over me
and caring for me. The dreams that I had in the past are gone; but perhaps
there are new dreams for me in the future. Perhaps… I can still hope.
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